Stay Away From The Windows 98

...I have no problem admitting that there are a certain number of Arnold Schwarzenegger films that I thoroughly enjoy. I grew up with Predator as both one of my earliest experiences with sci-fi obsession as well as my gateway to horror movies. Stuffed to the gills with classic lines and some tense moments, it remains one of my childhood favorites that I can still enjoy today. As cheesy as it might be (and it is), True Lies is another classic action film that manages to be both ridiculous and well executed. I will even say that I have seen Kindergarten Cop all the way through and found it watchable.

For me, Arnold Schwarzenegger was the action star that I looked to in the 1980's and 90's. Even as I kind of grew out of the genre through high school, every so often, the one-liners would cause a smirk. His acting was undoubtedly questionable. His voice is recognizable and open to parody. But his best movies were fun and memorable. Even The Running Man, a movie I hadn't seen until I was an adult, holds up incredibly well as a neon-colored exploitation film with a surprisingly poignant theme.

When Arnold returned to acting after playing Governator for a few years, his big comeback was The Last Stand. By all accounts, it looked like another loud action movie with a paper thin plot that could not be believed. That said, there was a noticeable curiosity in me that knew that at some point, I would have to see it. Even if it were mostly ham-fisted, there had to be a moment or two that would set it aside from the pretenders of the muscle-bound old man action genre.

Well, The Last Stand has its moments for sure, but the story is about a flimsy and laughable as I've ever seen. One minute its a tense hyper-tech action drama and the next its a Walker Texas Ranger knock off. It almost feels like Swordfish stuffed inside of a hyper violent Asian bloodfest packed into a bad 1980's made-for-TV Charles Bronson cop drama. It is strange because there are snippets where the characters are almost making fun of the movie from within, almost as if everyone involved were winking at one another, knowing what they were in on. It might have been something to elevate it to a weird place if not for the fact that it really looks like a collection of random ideas mushed together until there's a strange cohesion that works only in the loosest of ways.

Still, it's kind of nice to see Arnold Schwarzenegger go for one last round before he has to hang up his catchphrases and massive guns. His era of ripped action warrior films is a dying genre, being held together in an increasingly more desperate lone manner by Jason Statham, an actor who's talent is gravitating further and further away from his output. If you don't believe me, go back and watch Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels. But as Stallone, Schwarzenegger and the like continue to age themselves out of being believable as the man who can take down an army alone, I hope that someone can craft one or two more genre classics before its too late.

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